Chip away

9:48am, Phoenix, Arizona, outside my office, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I was driving home Monday when I rock flew up and hit my car. It left a dime size chip in my windshield. The repair guy is coming at 11am to fix it before it grows too big or cracks completely. It will end up costing $50 to get fixed, which is cheaper than a new windshield but still expensive. Interesting how something so innocent as a rock getting kicked up on the freeway can end up expending time and money to rectify.

My windshield

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.

How should I approach the day?

8:42am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 08, 2021. How should I approach the day? Do I want to survive work with minimal effort and indulgent distractions? Perhaps discover a brand new life altering adventure? Maybe I could fall in love or just run some errands? What if I took a long lunch and a peaceful nap? There are so many possibilities. Of course the most practical option is to invest in work and be productive. That is the most boring choice of all.

I think I feel guilty

6:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, December 07, 2021. Accessing the computer system at work requires a security app for remote verification on a personal device. I instructed the new employee what to download and made small talk while it installed. When a minute had passed she scrolled through the many apps cluttering her screen until she got to the last page. There, her finger hesitated over the familiar red tile of a popular dating app. We both froze and acted awkward until I looked away and pretended not to notice. Then, as if unsure what to do next, she shuffled it out of sight. We completed the set up and moved on. The whole exchange lasted less than two seconds and was quickly forgotten. I kind of feel guilty about it, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure why.

The energy was positive and good

4:16pm, in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, December 7, 2021. Most of the nursing staff came to the office this morning for training. We gathered around the conference table to learn and share breakfast. Afterwards the office staff joined us along with two new hires (for pre-employment drug screens) The energy was positive and good. I liked seeing everyone and being together.

Which is the better choice?

5:26am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 7, 2021. Which is better: To rise up and face the challenges life presents? Or to constantly attempt eliminating worry and fear on a daily basis? Facing adversity is daunting, yet noble. Eradicating stress is a futile endeavor that only makes me sad. I know which choice I should make everyday. The harder path is the only road worth taking.

Is this weird?

5:56pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, December 06, 2021. I have to share something I find disconcerting, please tell me what you think. In an attempt to save money the company I work for has us collect pre-employment drug screen urine samples in the office. That means the social worker I hired, who is female, will come to the office for the soul purpose of peeing. It will be the first time we meet face-to-face. I am to walk her to the bathroom and stand outside so she can do her thing. When she comes out she is to hand me her pee so I can ship it to an out-of-state lab. I have to ask: Is that weird? It feels extremely weird. For both of us. I bribed an assistant with free breakfast tomorrow to collect the sample.

Am I too soft on people?

11:56am, in my office, Phoenix, Monday morning (almost afternoon), December 06, 2021. There is a narrative that I am a soft leader and easily taken advantage of. It started when a colleague visited and noted issues with scheduling. I am inclined to get defensive, place blame elsewhere, make excuses, but that isn’t helpful. I need to learn and grow, which can be a difficult process. I of course am disappointed but will persevere. You know, years ago I envisioned facing challenge and finding success. I guess I never considered what challenging myself and finding failure/hardship would look like.

Almost a chaplain again

4:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, December 05, 2021. My phone pinged when I got back from an afternoon walk. The on-call nurse asked me to give her a call. A patient’s family requested a chaplain visit and she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I told her to give the chaplains time to respond and if neither did I would see the patient. One of them called back just as I was heading out. I was almost a hospice chaplain again.

Sunday morning

9:04am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 05, 2021. Sundays holds great promise but never delivers. This morning my mind is filled with infinite possibilities; I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone I want to be. Yet before long hours will pass, afternoon will approach and I will become resigned to waking up Monday in the same life as before.