Writing

9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”

Embarrassing

8:07am I started going through posts to categorize them and add tags. I also added an archive that makes it easier to search by month. That led me to discover this post from over two years ago. It was the first post of this blog. My initial instinct was to delete it. I am embarrassed. Back in the summer of 2017 I quit my job to try and be an entrepreneur. I wrote a couple of books (pamphlets really) about quitting work and starting your own business. Since I was trying to be an entrepreneur the material fit where I was at. I will have to make a category called “embarrassing.” I am sure there are others I would rather not share.

Monastery mornings

7:05am I checked the Salt Lake Tribune and noticed there was a new book coming out called “Monastery Mornings: My Unusual Boyhood Among the Saints and Monks.” The Author is Michael O’Brien. An attorney in Salt Lake City. The book is about his trips to Holy Trinity Abbey in Huntsville, Utah. I have written about the monastery before. (Side note: I need to start adding tags to posts) I often visited the monastery with my mother and on my own when I was a hospice chaplain in Utah. It closed four years. I still cry realizing I can’t go to the chapel and sit in contemplation.

Thursday morning

6:22am in the apartment on the couch watching the weather and sipping coffee. The last few days have exhausted me. I don’t have the energy to be in non stop crisis mode. My mind is racing. I am frightened. I have a tension headache that wraps from my eyes to the back of my head. The only thing that gives me solace is thinking about taking the day off from work. Not going in. Not worrying about every problem. Not caring for a moment. All week my wife daughter and her friend planned to go to an activity center. I was going to leave work at lunch and meet them in the afternoon but I am going to take the entire day off.

Better

2:51pm in my office. My anxiety has subsided. For that I am thankful. I have been on video calls all day. That tends to put me in a bad mood. Now I am about to go into a meeting to discuss the new marketing plan. I either have to fully commit to moving forward or stop putting myself in situations where I fail.

Mindset

6:08am in the apartment. I had trouble falling asleep last night. No matter what I could not get comfortable. I thrashed around and changed positions until I finally fell asleep. I woke up late and didn’t get out of the house until after 5:30am. By that time The sun was shining. it was too hot and late to do the full route so the dog and I took a shortcut home. When we got back I fed her and gave her some water. Then I got myself something to eat and drank some water myself. Now I am on the couch with a cup of coffee and a toaster pastry writing this post. I thought about my mindset at work as I walked this morning. I tried to be objective examining my approach to this current situation. What fascinates me is how subtle thoughts pop into my head and trigger emotions. How I have a feeling and it evokes set beliefs. Basically I have programmed myself to expect certain outcomes based on previous experiences whether they are true or not. The perfect example of “self-fulfilling prophecy.” With the situation at work I want to lump my current circumstances in with other jobs from the last twelve years. I want to feel what I always felt; helpless, misunderstood, unlucky, under appreciated. But this is situation is different. In the past I was doing just sales. I had one job, grow the business. Get referrals. If I didn’t get that one result I was gone. This job I need to get results but I have something I didn’t have before. Control. I control what is being sold. Until now I was expected to get prospects and complete sales regardless if the offering was of value. It was frustrating and often hopeless. This situation is different. With control I have maneuvered the service in such a way to make it better. I have trained good clinical staff. I have hired good marketers to sell the product. The pieces are in place. Everyone wants results. I want results. I have done a good job with the shitty deal I have inherited. I have done a lot and continue to do more. The referrals, admissions and revenue are the lag measure. They are coming.

Check in

9pm in bed in the apartment. I grabbed burgers on the way home from work. The girls and wife were at an activity center. just me, the dog and the fish at home for almost two hours. I ate a burger and leftovers. I am stuffed. I watched some shows until they got home Then we played games as a family. Good evening all around. I am ready to fall asleep.

Big surf

12:45pm in my office. Eating lunch. The call went alright. My supervisor is frustrated. I don’t blame her. I shared what we are doing to control costs and increase business. We have a plan. We are doing it. Things are getting better. I have to catch myself and not own the bullshit. I walked into tough circumstances five months ago. It is not going great but I am not giving up. The last month and a half sucked. I admit the service failure in June and the sale of the company earlier this month lowered my energy. Today is the first day in a while I have felt focused and driven. I am ready to face the obstacles and find success. Staying in a situation like this is like surfing big waves. If you are able to ride the crest it can look amazing. Even be exhilarating. If can’t get get on top of things you will be torn apart. I got torn apart for a couple of weeks. Time to ride high again.

Work

6:21am in the apartment. Everyone is still asleep. I wish I was still asleep. I need more rest. I have been tired lately. Not sure what is causing it. Stress? Getting up too early? Distraction? I woke up an hour later than usual and still feel tired. I would have slept longer but the dog needed to go out. I took her for a walk, came home, made coffee, sat down and turned on the weather. Now I have time to gather my thoughts and write some things down. I am still examining what I consider my work/purpose. I am almost 50. As I approach middle age I know a job doesn’t define me. I am my own person. I set my own course. Like doing these posts. Writing down my thoughts. But these posts don’t fill my day. They don’t give me a battle, a game to win. I need an antagonist. Something to fight against and test my resolve. This job provides that. I wish it were going better. Being in business and not being successful sucks. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I took this job six months ago. I knew it was bad but it is even worse than I realized. This site is a mess. Our key referral source just sold us. No one wants to work. And half the people that show up don’t have the proper skill set. Some days I don’t know where to begin. everything I do to fix one problem uncovers more problems. Everyday is one step forward two steps back. No wonder I am exhausted. Tuesdays are the day I have one-on-one time with my supervisor. We have an hour phone call to go over key metrics. It isn’t too bad. My supervisor is nice. But she is frustrated like I am. We both want to be successful. We both want results. But we are struggling. I am not alone. other sites are struggling as well. I do not envy her job. We are part of a new company. We are under pressure to deliver. It is time to find our groove and get moving in the right direction. My call ends at noon. I will check in then and update how it goes.