Awkward conversation

12:06pm Sunday afternoon, July 18. Palm desert, driving back to Arizona. Stopped to go to the bathroom, get gas and snacks. I had an awkward conversation with my wife this morning. After I woke up, took the dog for a walk and got coffee i returned to the apartment shortly after 7am. My wife was awake and sitting at her computer. When I walked in the door she announced she was “so mad.” Then she stepped out to use the bathroom. When she returned she explained that she set up a new phone. When she did this the controls on an app she uses to monitor our soon to be 13 year old daughters online activity updated. Apparently our daughter went on her phone to allow some rather inappropriate content to not be filtered. however that was not the awkward part. What made it awkward was how she then tied it to my behavior ten years ago. How I was evil and she didn’t want our daughter to meet someone like me. A conversation we have had numerous times.

Going to a movie

6:15pm Saturday evening. At a movie. First time in over a year. Feels nice to be out m. Also feels kind of reckless. Not many people wearing face coverings. I am with my daughter and her friend. They wanted to come so they could sneak around and go into scary movies. I am just sitting back and trying to relax

Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.

Saturday morning

4:19am Saturday morning. Heading out the door. Driving to Orange County. My thoughts are swirling as I think about work and love. The questions I ask in both circumstances are similar. Do I focus on perseverance or self-preservation? Do I remain loyal to an employer or a lover? Is my partner loyal to me? When I feel uncertainty do I hold on tighter or let go completely? Do I have the ability to make a logical choice or do emotions rule my action? What is my identity in a relationship? Will I ever find peace or will I always be frustrated?

Salvation please

7:25pm Friday night, I want to be saved. To find success. Or even stability. My mind is exhausted. I think a million thoughts that add up to nothing. I have written over 1000 posts. Do they matter to anyone but me? I should solicit an audience, try and connect. Someone needs to knows I am alive. That I have thoughts. That I feel emotions. Why do I stay hidden yet want to be known? I wear myself the fuck out

Affirmation

3:40pm to be loved by the WIL was to be affirmed. All I cared about was her opinion. If she loved me I was doing it right. Whatever “it” was. Now I am no longer part of her life. That energy no longer exists for me. To be outside that energy after feeling it for so many years leaves my soul empty.

Burned by bad theory

11:24am I burned myself with a bad theory. I hypothesized if I stopped romanticizing leisure I would have no choice but to embrace work. If I embraced work more consistently I would be more productive and successful. Maybe that is true to an extent. But has the value of “success” outweighed the loss of relaxing rejuvenation? I feel I sacrificed what truly made me happy for minimal gain.

Poet

5:48am Friday. This morning on my walk I realized who I am. I am a poet. Not in a romantic sense. Or a professional. Or even good at the craft. Rather if I was left alone, if I had to fill my time, I would sit silently, think and write. That is my default setting. I always knew that. Yet it was difficult to declare. I thought in order to say that I needed to be talented. I needed adoration. I needed to earn money. Today on my walk I accepted I can be who I am.

The WIL

8:49pm sometimes I marvel how I was ever worthy to be the WIL’s. The farther removed from our time together the less I feel worthy of her. I don’t think I could even speak if I saw her. She moved on without me and I can’t stop thinking about her. She kicked my ass. I can’t believe there was a time she loved me as insanely as I love her.