Change

5:40am I don’t know how to change. How to be different. I don’t know what I would do if this blog were “discovered.” How would my world change if I received attention? I work in hospice. I have a public persona but the real me remains hidden. Writing these posts is a way to put myself out there to be discovered. But there is dissonance. The hospice director is a carefully crafted facade. It serves purpose. It is a image I use to make money and care for my family. The post writer is the inner me. He is the voice in my head. My best friend. what would I do if people at work saw these posts? What if prospective employers saw them? Family, friends. Strangers? I want more than anything to be known. I want more than anything to remain hidden.

Seeker

5:29am will I spend my whole life being who I am, striving to be what I am not? I am a seeker. I meet people where they are. I validate others. But those traits don’t make money. They don’t make me “successful.” I work jobs that do not reward who I am. I try to be different but fail. Then I try again. And again. I can’t stay put. I am not allowed to stay put. I can’t change. I am who I am.

Wednesday night

7:50pm back at the pool area. Long day at work. Glad it is over. More glad the anticipation of tomorrow is over. June is finished. The company sale closes at midnight tonight. Probably eastern or central time so before midnight here. The pool is crazy busy. We walked in and it was empty then a family with like 12 kids showed up. The girls are having fun so it doesn’t matter. I have a spot I can just sit and look at my phone. There is a tv here. The game was on the night before last. But the tv isn’t on and there is no way to get the game. Probably best. I can relax if I am not watching sports

Why?

9:17am do I write these posts to share what normally would stay hidden in my mind? Do I write them for others to possibly discover? Do I want family, friends, the WIL to discover it? Maybe after I die? Do I write them so I can see where I have been, what I was thinking? I just write them.

Carolyn Tanner Irish

https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2021/06/29/first-woman-lead-utahs/

I met Carolyn Tanner Irish shortly after she was installed as Bishop of Utah Episcopal Diocese. I was doing a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at St. Mark’s Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah. I have been thinking about that time a lot lately. CPE was 25 years ago this year. And St. Mark’s is owned by the company I will be an employee of starting tomorrow.

Morning

5:45am the weather was slightly cooler this morning. Nicer than the previous two days. I remembered to bring water for the dog. The sidewalk is still hot even at 4:30am. I thought about the WIL this morning. And family trips we took when my daughter was in elementary school. I remember how summer used to feel when I was 11/12 years older. What life felt like. The world was filled with possibility. Every experience became a part of the foundation that would shape my life perspective. As I got older I still felt the joy of accumulating moments to remember. Especially the time in Utah, as the chaplain, with the woman I love. I haven’t felt much lately. I glide through life mostly numb. Age, pandemic, lockdown, disappointment have worn me down. I am not complaining. I am still alive living life.