Left Phoenix at 4am to return to Dana point. Drove four hours to palm desert. Pulled in to get coffee and use the bathroom and punctures a tire. Had to spend almost two hours getting the spare tire on and inflated. Was able to drive in on the spare. Mom ordered two new tires. I will have to leave the truck here and take the car.

A lot of energy connecting to wyoming on the drive. Thinking about first job. I am focusing on good memories.

6:29pm back in my apartment. One week of work completed.

I am keenly aware when certain emotions evoke negative thoughts. I decide whether or not to embrace those thoughts. if I choose i can think about something else. Or I can remove the negative thought/memory from the feeling. Either way I am in control of my experience.

Memories I have been enjoying this morning. High school graduation. Winning the state championship in baseball. College graduation. Finishing the job at the cement plant in croydon

Last night I called my mom then called my daughter. We video talked. We talked about figures/dolls she used to collect. We looked at them online and cracked jokes for twenty minutes. There were no feelings of regret, failure. We were just having fun. She asked me to show her the room again. She is excited to see it in person

7:07am. Went for a walk. Exercised in the fitness center. Made coffee. Showered. Got dressed. Did the dishes from last night.

I am disciplined with my thoughts. When thinking about memories I choose to focus on positive thoughts. I remember small vignettes. I cherish the moment in time. I do not try to solve the entire puzzle. There is no perfect way to look at the whole of life.

I am a rock. A foundation. An institution. I am not going anywhere or faltering.

I frame work experiences and relationships past and present in positive light. I am a caring person. I am a disciplined person. I am a happy person.

6:30pm home before dinner. I stayed in a really good mind space all day today. Arizona is a continuation of the beautiful Utah years. Today I did not miss the past or revisit failure. I was thankful for the second chapter of happiness that I now find myself in.

7:54am just arrived at work. The whole drive in I was calm, in the moment and appreciative. Very welcome feelings

6:59am finished showering. I find it fascinating/interesting that this job is best case scenario. Not too busy, new place, fresh start. I can see this has the happy ending I long for. But finding that perspective is a huge grind. Slipping into worry is much easier. About numbers. Relationships with boss, employees, community. Past experiences. It is like trying to concentrate on a task while a hundred people are screaming all at once.

6:21am have been reading Nouwen. Some good excerpts “I can be teaching at Yale, working in the bakery at the Genesee Abbey, or walking around with poor children in Peru and feel totally useless, miserable, and depressed in all those situations. I am sure of it, because it has happened. There is not such a thing as the right place or the right job. I can be happy or unhappy in all situations. I am sure of it, because I have been.” page 28 mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen

“Constantly I am tempted to wallow in my own lost ness… There are always countless events and situations that I can single out to convince myself and others that my life is just not worth living, that I am only a burden, a problem, a source of conflict, or an exploiter of others time and energy.” Page 34 mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen

And John Prine “when I woke up this morning, things were looking bad. Seems like total silence was the only friend I had…” illegal smile

There is an employee help line number on the wall at work. I am going to call it. My goal is to get over my mind barriers and reach out for help. I know I am going slow on this but asking for help is a huge step for me.

7:07pm home after dinner. Energy is low. Have been in crisis mode so long. I don’t know how to act when. Don’t feel threatened. Maybe I have drama because I like drama?

They announced a stake of our company was sold today. Changes coming. We will be a part of the new organization. Shouldn’t affect me too much. Never know. Once change about my attitude. In the past I would almost relish major upheaval. It would be a reason to not commit. To have another adventure. This year and the last job changed that. losing a job just means getting another job. This last change almost killed me. I don’t want to find something new.