Purpose

I have so many talents, gifts. I am smart and strong. Get out of transformation mode. These posts, battling depression, anxiety, mental breakdown. This is my ministry. Funny how my energy flows very well when I am in being mode. This is valuable. But it is only in my head. All anyone knows of me is going to move to Arizona and be a director . When I say ministry I imagine St Marks and crisis calls. Hospice. I have waited decades to find my own ministry and a worthy opponent. How do I engage with those in need? Hospice and st marks out me in a situation and I responded. Where is the situation?

Note on sex. Still abstaining. Not even talking to people. Missing intimacy and connection.

Lockdown

Lockdown killed a lot of Hope and creativity. Making music, making videos. Things I used to do and distract myself with. Lockdown showed I didn’t really have passion. I was just doing little bits to entertain myself.

Lockdown killed drinking and watching movies. Without something to contrast them against they were just the only option not a choice

Lessons

10:10am Maybe I learned who I truly was. What I truly value. My wife has increased her income and has been employed with the same company for seven years. She is no happier than I am. I like adventure, my free time, flexibility. I just didn’t realize it was an either/or. I thought I could have it all. Look what I learned just before I turned 49.

Plan

9:47am California did not go as planned. I thought after almost ten years here I would have amassed wealth, increased salary, owned a house in Dana Point and would be at the height of my career.

Instead I am moving out of state, have less retirement, less savings, more debt. I make less money than the salary I had when I moved here.

The only thing I can say about California is I tried. I played it until I was absolutely broke. Mentally emotionally and financially. Life is funny. Failure never dawned on me. Diminishing in any way wasn’t on the radar. Not growing as fast or as high might have sounded feasible. But not ruination. I was exposed. I am a bust. At least I tried. I took a chance. I took a risk. I had an adventure. Now the best I can do is eat shit in Arizona and try to piece together a somewhat tolerable stable existence. Damn, I really wish the redemption part of the story would begin. Nine years of scrambling and falling behind has blown. Arizona is an adventure and I have a good job waiting. I just need to change my perspective

Moving

9:20am packing for the move. When I focus on new possibilities I am excited. When I focus on old memories I get sad. I am 80% excited/20% sad.

A lot of memories here but it is a dump. I won’t miss the mold. Great location shitty unit.

Leaving

All morning goi my on my own walk and walking with my mom I keep thinking that I have made my peace with leaving Dana point. I have enjoyed it for nine years. But I couldn’t possibly stay for my sanity or financial well-being. It is never easy leaving but the feeling of having given everything feels as close to liberating peace as possible

Being a dad

I feel like I am making an excuse when I say this but it feels true. The bandwidth I use to be a dad comes at the expense of being a friend and a good employee. The energy I expend in the relationship with my daughter comes from the same well I used to gear up for work or want to do activities with friends. When I think about my daughter coming to Arizona I am excited and energetic. Then I remember I have to bear down for work. She is the most important person to me. I just need to make sure I stay focused and engaged at work too. To be the best dad for her I need to have stability