I have had a good drive from Henderson to Barstow. Lost $20 in Primm but had fun. Coming into California I was sad at first. I realized I would no longer identify as Californian. Then memories of visiting before moving here nine years ago came back. I realized I could reclaim the energy. I could be a tourist. Still enjoy California without staying.

I feel a sense of relief at them momentZ back to the being paroled concept. I have finished my time here. I have enjoyed it. But the professional aspect has left me wanting.

When I was walking into the store I thought I saw the WIL. It wasn’t her but I wondered what I would do or say if I did run into her. My lack of professional pride has hurt my confidence. More than California, more than relationships I need to find my pride again

Not sure where I am going with this but wanted to get it down.

I walked by the mirror and noticed the skin on my neck is getting creppy (is that a word?) I then instantly thought “that another reason I was rejected by the WIL.”A little bath bomb of sadness went off in my head and washed over my insides. It was a stupid little off hand observation but it dropped depression on me.

Her loving me validated me. I don’t know if her rejecting me invalidated me or if I just don’t have that empowering assurance any more.

I am so tired of having to reconcile and honor the past. Make room for my feelings and experiences in utah. I am like a guy watching a football game and can’t stop saying how it was better ten years ago. Fuck. Let it go. Holding on proves nothing. I gain nothing. I am a prisoner to something that exists only in my mind. And I feel like shot because I even had to bother writing this post…all because I noticed I have old man neck

The jackpot on the slot machine I played last night was $100,000,000. For an instance I imagined winning that money. How would my life had changed? I would feel vindication. After nine years I have no confidence in my abilities. Nothing to show for my career. No historical data that proves I have any idea what I am doing. After nine years I have no wife, no WIL. I have no meaningful relationship with a partner. After nine years of clawing to keep Southern California a safe home for my daughter I am moving to Phoenix.

In a little more than a week I turn 49. I am on a fucking epic losing streak. I still believe in redemption. The question is, “which will come first? Redemption or death?” If I play the game long enough I will start to pick up wins. Find a job I am good at, build some fortune. Get involved in a healthy relationship. Mend the ones from the past. Provide for my daughter. The real life struggle to stay sane and alive is constantly in my face. The darkness is racing after me. The devil might get me before I see my fortune turn. But I still have to run

I am feeling vulnerable this morning. No matter how much I type. My wife, my daughter think I am making a rash decision. I am running away from my problems. Maybe I am. The only thing I know is I cannot function in a professional capacity living in Orange County. Maybe I am broken completely. Maybe Phoenix will be the same. But this is the situation I face. I have to try. I could not financially stay any longer. I know it is necessary. I know it is for the best. But I feel I failed.

“By hiding parts of our story…we claim a divine role for ourselves; we become judges of our own past and limit mercy to our own fears.” mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen page 4

I swear I spend 99% of my thoughts lamenting loss. Lost memories, moments, relationships. Lost physical abilities. Lost energy. I mope constantly.

There has to be acceptance. This is my time. The fate of the moment. I need to exist. as I am at this time.

Like a top level pitcher, focusing only on the pitch at the moment. The top level golfer focusing on the putt. There are zero thoughts that need to be present other than the task. I want to lament past losses, current situations. Easy to see those are not helpful.

I want to consider a narrative. Build a big picture. Grow professionally. All those things are just as poisonous. What I consider strategy derails me. Defuses commitment. I have one play. One opportunity to find stability. The neuro pathway owner/leader energy

Won $182.53 on the night. not bad. Off sets some of the cost of the trip. And I had fun.

Feeling lonely tonight. Not sure how to change that.

Lacking confidence. Started to go down the old neuro pathway with work. On one level my sanity and financial health depend on succeeding at this job. On another level I see years of precedent failure. The new neuro pathway of ownership/leadership can address the concern. Can I achieve top level consistency day and day out? I am good at getting jobs. I only need to be in character for an hour. 50 hours week in/week out, different story.

Flip side. I want free time. But free time equals overthinking. Anxiety. I gear down i feel disappointed. I gear up I feel overwhelmed. What is healthy and productive? I can’t find fair value. For me or my employer.

Give me a magical lamp. I could not tell you three wishes that would make me happy.

Wasn’t ready to head back. Didn’t want to stay another night in Phoenix. Made my way up north to Las Vegas. Good drive. I like going on road trips. I am in a low enough frequency. I don’t overthink.

I signed a lease. Now I have a place. Have to get back to California. Sell the truck. Pack essentials for living. Arrange move of furniture. The process can be overwhelming. Went into target to use the bathroom. Had a flashback to utah after the move. That move was heartbreaking. This move is hard but the larger energy is getting away from toxicity.