7:03am “…I am not really looking for my performance to accomplish anything for the audience because I don’t necessarily do it for them…I just share where I am presently at or what I am going through and hope to bring awareness to something that resonates.”JordiRoc, social activist/dancer. “Bold and Beautiful: JordiRoc” Slugmag.com April 26, 2021

6:31am woke up and went for a walk on a steep hill. Parked in the same spot I did two weeks ago but walked down to the trail head. I couldn’t tell if it was completely closed or opened to pedestrians. I decided to just keep walking down the sidewalk. The hill is incredibly steep. The walk back up taxed my legs, heart and lungs. That is good. I need more cardio.

A lot of thoughts in my head. Nothing deep or profound. I need to keep my time occupied so I don’t slip into bad habits. I can’t control things so I just stress myself trying.

Last night when I was falling asleep I thought about thinking. I “think” in words. But I don’t see them. I don’t hear them. I experience them through a sense beyond any of the five senses. Am I producing those words? They are what I am typing now. Words are coming from someplace inside me. I am producing a record of them. It is fragmented. Incomplete. But that is what the past 100+ days have been about. Working under the assumption the “word source” needs to be mined for content. That it needs to be pulled into the world and translated in a way that other people can experience it through the known sense of seeing or hearing. That they can feel something because they experienced these words. That perhaps it stirs something in them to mine their own word source. And they are compelled to share.

9:07pm took daughter and friend to outdoor mall. Then back to the other mall. Then had sushi for dinner. Long but fun day. Now back at wife and daughters house. Going to watch movies. Fall asleep and call it a day.

4:15pm went to one mall with my daughter. Picking up a friend. Going to another mall to get clothes. It is fun to be busy. To see my daughter excited. We have a good time hanging out. Pizza for lunch, a couple stores. Some dessert. Ready for round two…

8:32am made it to palm desert. Stopped to use the bathroom. Get gas. Rest. Still two hours to go.

5:29am Got out of the house an hour ago. Stopped for coffee (and donuts) heading to Dana point.

7:39pm Talked with my daughter for half an hour tonight. Her and my wife were driving to get food. She was in a good mood. Called my mom. Today was the last day I spent with my brother before he died five years ago tomorrow. We had a good day. Drove to park city, ate pizza. Played games we liked the last night. It is a great last memory of him.

I got my first clothes subscription box. I like it a lot more than I thought I would. They sent two shirts, pants, a belt and shoes. They still haven’t told me a price so I am a little leery. But I like having a curated “outfit” I wouldn’t have bought myself

Going to go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day. Drive to California. Go out with my daughter then pick up one of her friends and go out again!

7:21am I have a lot of employees who don’t want to work. The site had a reputation for being easy money. I am changing the culture. I am dialed in. I can see success. Expansion. But I am sympathetic. For almost thirteen years I had trouble focusing. Balancing work and life. 9 jobs in 9 years. I am at the point where I can work and thrive. I am living my moment

It has been so long since I explained what “the WIL” means. The WIL stands for the woman I love. I hadn’t thought about her much this morning. Work has been busy. My mind has been occupied by tasks to be completed. Then while working out the song “Happier” by Bastille came on. It started the gut wrenching cycle I have endured for over a year. A thought/song/sight makes me think of her. My mind tells me (reminds me?) I have been dumped. My emotions start to cascade into despair. I mindlessly pile on pity/loneliness/disbelief/hopelessness until I am smothered in overwhelming physical grief. But I have done it enough times I realize what is going on. So another part of my brain furiously throws up defenses. I tell myself to stop, think about other things. I picture the cleaver, cutting off the negative past. I force myself to move on. At that point the urgency abates. I relax. The moment has been survived. I let my guard down. I tell myself how strong I am. That I am proud of myself for not wallowing in the past. I believe I have accomplished something. Since I accomplished something I deserve a reward. I ask myself “what do I want more than anything right now?” The answer to that is of course her. And the cycle begins again. I am tortured. If she loves me like I love her I am broken because we aren’t together. If she is indifferent and doesn’t need me any more I am even more crushed. I will continue to leave her alone. But I can’t move on. I can’t let go. I gave all my happiness and emotions to her over a decade ago. Every positive feeling I have known since I met her evokes thoughts/images/memories of her. Maybe after many years that won’t be the case. Maybe someday she will simply be a girl I used to know. But for now. For the past and for the future she is my goddess. She is my everything.

7:36pm a coworker locked her keys in her office. I drove back tonight to help her out. I called my mom on the way home. Just got off the phone with my daughter. Today was a good day. Two more referrals. Kept me busy this afternoon.