6:30am We are all fleeting. Ephemeral. Our moment must come. Then it must pass. Everyone has a time in their life they cherish. Chances are I won’t go to utah this year. But I still remember the time it was perfect. The thought so many years later stops me in my tracks. I am thankful I experienced that moment. It haunts me forever. I would rather be haunted than never have fully lived.

6:00am I have traveled the thirty mile stretch from my hometown in wyoming to the I-80/I-84 junction in Utah over a thousand times. I know every turn. Each marker evokes memories. I know where I am by what I see. I have the same familiarity with my thoughts. What I think and feel are worn pathways. I know where I am by what I feel. When I am on my walk in the morning I think of two things. First, I recall Memories of the past. These memories usually make me sad. I think about places I lived. Jobs I once had. People I loved. I lament what once was and can never be again. Second I think about numbers. I count the hours/days/weeks/months/years etc that must be endured before I achieve a given milestone. The milestone may be reaching a vacation. Or a anniversary. It might be getting through a difficult time or passing a previous allotment I considered significant. Whatever the case my mind pings back and forth from the past to my numbered future. those familiar activities produce familiar feelings. Like starting the ignition to the car. Once I pull out of the driveway I know where the road will lead. I know where I will end up. This morning I was exhausted. I woke up later than usual. I needed to walk because my body needs exercise. But I dreaded walking. I didn’t want to cycle on the past. I didn’t want to count the same numbers I did yesterday. Or the day before. I wanted to think new thoughts. Experience new feelings. But then I worried. If I got off the familiar road of my thoughts and emotions would I know where I am? I have been on the road to the I-80/I-84 junction a thousand times. I know where I am becomes I have seen the same view a thousand times. The same perspective. If I were to get off the road and could not see certain markers would I know where I am? Where I am going? How to find my way back home?

My thoughts and my emotions are attributes of my persona. They frame my experiences. My reactions. They are known. Predictable. Most of the time that is good. It happens automatically. I know who I am. Where I am going. But they also keep me stuck. I travel the same road to the same destination every day. Once in a while, like this morning, I would like to travel a different road. Find a new destination. Feel something different. Accomplish something new.

7:05pm got a referral first thing this morning. I worked on it myself. Made the day much better. I was busy. I was productive. That is what I need every day

Do you ever have one of those moments where you wonder how the hell you got where you are? I was standing in my kitchen making coffee when I had a powerfully vivid feeling I was in my old house in Dana Point. I turned around to go to the living room and realized I was in Arizona. It felt absurd. one second I was the old me. Living in California, making coffee like I had a thousand times before. The next moment I was the new me. Living in Arizona. A completely different life hundreds of miles away. It felt like I was in a movie where I crossed some unseen timeline. I hesitated. The memory of Dana point felt good. I wanted to linger and experience it more. But it faded away. Just like the past always does…

5:41am I am sick of writing. I am sick of getting no where. I am sick of pining over lost love. Of being scared and frustrated at work. I am exhausted. I don’t want to go over and over emotions that mean nothing. I am in a fucking mood today.

3:25am I have reached the plateau. At the moment I am vexed. My attitude has been positive. I have given maximum effort. I am engaged. I am present. I show up. I do the work. I have accomplished nothing. Revenue is lower than the day I arrived. The hole is getting deeper. I have enacted change. Certain staff have selected out. But with revenue down I can’t replace them. I can generate new business but with licensing survey coming up we are extra cautious. This week has been tiresome.

I dreamed about a giant solar field like the ones outside Las Vegas. In my dream the panels would not work unless they were connected. There was a large section of panels to the left. Another to the right. The middle was empty. I was talking to a group of people about closing the gap. I explained the energy that will be generated when the circuit is complete.

I am the captain. We are on the voyage. I make decisions. I see them through. I am strong. Decisive.

(Just for context…I am beating myself up. I feel like a failure. I fear getting fired. I am frustrated. I want to pout. Scream. Cry. Blame someone or some thing.)

11:49am we are having some issues recruiting and on boarding staff. I have a tendency to get frustrated. When I am frustrated I want to give up. Let go. Move on. This is another behavior I have to modify. I am part of the team. I am here for the long term

11:22am at work. Revenue is down. My sales neurosis kicks in. I feel like a failure. That I will be removed. This is a learning moment for me. I am the captain. As the Captain I get the ship through rough waters. The route is never easy. Or straight. but we will be successful.

8:31am at work I think a lot on my morning walk. This morning I was remembering how I approached being the chaplain when I first moved to utah. Being the warrior, dropping into battle. Focusing on my tasks for the week then heading triumphantly home. I was following a similar model in Arizona. Saying I came out here after visiting home the weekend before last, spending two weeks in battle then claiming my reward. It made me think I wish I could work ten days straight. Then take four off. That would cut down on travel time and expenses. It also would minimize the time I spent In Unhealthy behaviors. While I was in the shower I had an idea. I will flip the weekends. Instead of seeing going home as the reward it will be part of a two or three week block that ends with one weekend staying in Arizona. I will work five days, which is good energy. I will travel Saturday and spend time with my daughter. Also good energy. Then travel Sunday. Work the week. Go back to California. Work a week then stay in Arizona. That give me 19 straight days of positive energy at work and as dad and only two days of the least enjoyable energy. It will cost more money. But it will be better for me as a person. Better as a parent.

5:53am This morning about two thirds of the way through my walk I thought about the WIL. More specifically, feeling dumped by her. My insides instantly soaked in toxic chemical energy. I started to panic. I had obsessed over this thought many times. It is destructive. paralyzing. Evil. I blocked the thought. I refused to hurt myself. I am in control of the narrative. I will not burn my soul with negative thoughts. I finished my walk. On the way back to my apartment I stopped by the gym at the complex. By the time I began working out I felt better. Taking control of my thoughts, avoiding a direct onslaught of torture minimized the damage. Still, the initial release of neural energy remained. Every song seeped sadness through my guts. It has been so long since I have seen her. Talked to her. Touched her. Yet she dominates every thought i have.