The posts are almost all translated to a word document. I am picturing the posts to move a narrative forward and intersperse nuggets of wisdom.

Writing down feelings as they happen is interesting. I notice how quickly emotions change. On the walk this morning it felt like a giant wheel of fortune, clicking and popping. One thought produced a response. Another thought a different response. Sometimes different angles to the same idea changed feelings entirely. It is a little scary to see how reactive and temporal/ephemeral my emotions are

Producing these posts are the one thing I do well. I was a good chaplain and a decent preacher but I didn’t have passion for preaching. I have written many things but nothing particularly good. But the sheer mass of content I can produce is something I am proud of. This is the ride I have been waiting 13 years to find

This morning is peaceful. letting go. I don’t really have control. I am mot making brilliant tactical decisions. I am doing the best I can with the circumstances.

Same with the WIL.logically I know to let go. And I will. Just sometimes old strong emotions rise. I deal with them like I did yesterday. Breathe it out. Bless and release her

I will do the best I can at work. I honestly always do. I never set out to fail or short change an employer. I will give my best, be me. And hope it is a mutually beneficial relationship.

I will let go of the home I have lived in for over five years and the neighborhood for nine. I will feel relief. I will feel sadness. I will feel liberated. I will feel like a failure. I accept the situation and honor all my feelings

Emotions are like waves. If you get on top of them you can ride them. Enjoy the experience. But if you don’t they can slam you into submission.

I got under the waves today. It was fucking scary. To be rationally observant right now and be so helpless just four hours earlier. Missing the wave of emotion is just as life or death as missing the wave in the ocean

I realize the energy I have right now comes from wanting to move forward. I have accepted the job. I want to go to Phoenix. Find a place to live. Get things moving. I have too much free time. And thinking time. I meltdown. The energy was interpreted as depression. It slipped hard today. It is scary. I have to watch it. Control my breathing. And thoughts

I feel a little better. I was having a meltdown. The fever broke. I just need a win. And a new perspective. I refuse to beat myself up any more.

I am in a really dark place with the WIL. I can’t believe she hasn’t talked to me for almost a year. I try to be understanding but I can’t comprehend after all we were to each other she wouldn’t at least once reach out someway to say goodbye. something. Anything. I am destroyed

The anxiety is really high today. Always present.

The biggest concern is I am anxious and depressed by leaving. But I would feel the same way staying. Literally either way I look at a situation I would feel sick.

This leads to panic. It felt like I was getting punched in the gut at the store this afternoon. I am worried. I really need to get medication or something.

Losing a job like that would be hard. With the pandemic it was a double bad beat. I have had way too much time to think about it and not an ability to use coping mechanisms.

The pandemic is a double defeat. Not only do you lose the things you like. Movies, concerts, restaurants, flying, gambling. But you lose the contrast that makes NOT doing those things so fun. Having a beer and watching a movie instead of going out was much more empowering. Now it is the only choice. It feels empty. There is no either/or of going out or staying in. Even for a guy who would choose stay in 9 times out of 10 it has disrupted equilibrium.

I am losing my mind. Not joking ha ha funny. Losing my mind like my thoughts can’t focus. This fucking sucks

When I needed to reset I traveled back to wyoming/utah. I spent time in my childhood hometown. I visited the state I loved the most. I got to be with the WIL. I traveled to wendover and gambled. Losing that because of the WIL the pandemic and my mom coming to stay with me has really knocked loose a pillar of my thought. I don’t know how to reset. Where baseline is when things go bad.