I am a neurotic loner mess. I didnt say one word to another human being other than my mom and daughter today. Next week I am leading a team of healthcare professionals generating 3 million dollars in revenue. I set myself up for failure. I do high contact high profile jobs when my default setting is hermit monk. I am trapped in an absurd tomb of my own creation. I want to be a hermit monk that writes these posts/books. Connect with people. But not really connect with people because I am afraid of feedback/expectations. Feedback if it is bad. Expectations if it is good. God I am bizarre

I hate sales. I like the concept of human persuasion but I hate the grind of sales. Hence why I can get sales jobs. I love talking about doing sales. But can’t keep sales jobs. I fucking hate going out and kissing peoples ass

Which makes the million dollar question: was the last job a bad beat coincidence or am I as fucked in operations as I am at sales?

I still can’t believe I am leaving. That it is over. I drive around and go about my life. Familiar places of the last nine years. No matter what it ends Friday. I can’t stay in this energy any more. I have to go forward and hope all goes well

I am in this horrible funk. The crazy thing is I can objectively look at it and see the problem but the malaise of emotions sits like a cancer in my gut. My thoughts are creating exhausting sadness and frustration. I see it happening to me. I feel it. I see the iceberg but I can’t turn the fucking ship. Gir fucking damnit

There is a well of confidence in me and no matter what I did it couldn’t be shaken. I had internal confidence. The past decade has dumped so much contrary evidence is is killing confident me. I don’t care about external trappings. I just want to like myself again.

I hope this job doesn’t blow. I really need steady employment. I will work hard. I will give an honest effort. I am so psychologically damaged. I feel like I am just showing up to get punched in the face. Great feeling going into a new gig

I couldn’t seem to get on top of my anxiety and depression.

All this energy builds up and it can’t pass through the funnel. So it stays inside, builds up and corrodes my soul.

Now I am pissed. I have all this energy and talent and I failed. I don’t fail at anything and I fucking have eaten shit for ten years. Claiming my aero fancy pushes the energy through. God I want to fucking feel alive again. Not like a depressing loser

I worry this is how I look at the world, how I feel. No matter the circumstances I will feel anxious and depressed

Why do I still feel so scattered? I get that I was fucked up in January. I had too much time to think and didn’t have a job. Why am I not excited about a new city? Job? Life? If I don’t want to be here I get to try something different. if I am honest I am scared about failure. The track record proves it. It isn’t necessarily rewarding work. I believe I can be competent but agin-track record…

I need to get out of this house. That is good. I just feel empty. Like I severely wounded animal instinctively crawling to a cave to die. I have cycled into frustrating depression again. I really hope this is just because I keep cycling on existential questions out of boredom. That having a job and those stressors will occupy my mind and keep me a little sane

2:30pm I am sure it is easy to objectively look at my life and see where I went wrong. And suggest what I need to do to fix it. I wish I could be moved like a chess piece to a different position and circumstance. I fucked this one up. Hard