I removed the job app from my phone. No more hooking up in the employment sense. Sick energy. I need to be grounded and job monogamous

Made it in around two. Started unloading. Went to the store. Back now at 6:22pm

I almost forgot to post this. Funny how coming out of a stressful mental situation all of the sudden the sky clears. I forgot what it was like when it was raining. Actually I realize how depressed I have been for the last three and a half years. I tried to change in place but coukdnt. Then I realized how depressed I have been that we could never get out of apartments. Never have stability, income to buy a house. Already buying seems so easy here. There are options in every price range. Finally I realize how doeesssing it was living in a shitty apartment for nine years. This apartment is relatively new so it feels fresh. No mold, dampness or outdated fixtures.

I talked with my new boss. I really like her. I am trying to be a more open and friendly person. Trusting. She has a social work background like I have a chaplain background. I trust her because to be a social worker rakes an extraordinary heart. If I work hard for her she will have my back.

I am going to relax, watch some movies, drink a beer and then sleep. I have a couple more things I need to get tomorrow. So I will head to the store and do some exploring.

The focus this year is on work. I have tried to will my way to being a good employee. I have tried searching for perfect opportunities. Neither of those have worked particularly well. I need help. I need a good situation that accepts me for my strengths and limitations. And I need to realize when I have found such a situation to hold on and stay engaged.

Moving day. On the road 6:30am. Not overwhelmed but excitement seems to turn inward so I have chose to disassociate. Hitting coffee shop then on the road. I did a pretty bad job with the tarp. Hope the load is secure

8:54am made it to palm desert. Got news my unemployment will be paid. That will help with expenses. Huge break.

1:34am still in bed thinking I struggle to reconcile my tendency to isolate with my desire to succeed. I default to being alone and introspective. Dreaming about being engaged and successful. If I am engaged and successful I don’t get to spend time savoring the accomplishment. If I don’t accomplish anything I spend my alone time brooding over failure.

12:21am laying in bed. Dinner was nice. A little weird amongst all the moving boxes. We hadn’t gotten cake so all of us including the dog liked in the car to get ice cream. So much energy yesterday was about leaving. Tomorrow night (or later tonight actually) will be about establishing a new place. I pray. Please god, I need a new way to look at work, employment, relationships, personal/professional. There are many things I loves about Southern California but I did not achieve anywhere near acceptable results in relationships. I want to give move. Share my talents. Receive support and love.

I will be in a completely new place. I want to be a new man.

4:09pm resting on the couch. Been packing the truck for the initial trip to Arizona tomorrow. didn’t do a great job but took a bench, chair, blow up bed and a book case so I will have some furniture. I didn’t use all the space very well. Have to throw some last minute things in, secure the load. Then be ready to head out tomorrow morning. I need to leave early enough to pick up the keys but I don’t need to get out too early.

Feeling numb. Doesn’t feel like I am moving. More like going on a trip. I have had anxiety all day about the job. I feel so fucking damaged. My self worth is trash.

We are ordering pizza. The wife and my daughter are going to come over and celebrate my birthday tonight.

There are a lot of psychological land mines hidden in memories of California. I realize how traumatized I have become. I must remember the cleave and a new start.

Arizona has a lot of utah energy. My flow is positive. As much as I tried I could never get on top of California. Reclaiming my strength and pride is priority one.

What should the article be about? I want to help people. Reaching out with article will help. Not worrying about money or career. Not about achieving anything or being anything. Just taking what I have been through and giving a gift. Saying it is written by me, spiritual counselor mdiv mba

Wrong career what to do when you made a wrong career choice mental illness anxiety depression sex addiction. I am screaming to connect with people either the blog, th book, articles

A new energy has been over me for the last twelve hours. Everything is flowing through me. Am I am at peace and energized. Not all the time but definitely much more than before. I can’t believe how mentally vulnerable I was just last month. Last week. I am scared of it returning. I am scared I don’t know how to act when I am positive and happy and will try and will my way back to misery.

Today is my last day living in Dana point. I will still come back and complete the process of the move over the next few weeks but this is goodbye as a citizen. There is nothing to say. I am not mad. I am not sad. After all the struggle, passion and commitment it is time to let go. I feel Dana point letting me go and I am leaving thankful for the experiences but also thankful for new opportunities

Thinking about pride, success, title. If I could have any title and want to be something I want to be “counselor”