The situation with the house is easy to see how destructive it is sitting in a hotel in Phoenix at 3am. Getting ready to move for a job away from my family. I have a new perspective.

I knew all those things in Dana Point but I was in the energy. I loved my house. The view. The cool breeze. The neighborhood. That it was/is the place my daughter considers home. The place where my mom is having fun and rehabilitating. It was ground zero. The place we could all return to no matter how far we traveled.

Having a home is beautiful. I can and will provide that again. For my daughter. My mom. Even my wife if she needs it. But giving up my health for that house is not worth it. I bless and release that place. And look forward to finding home anew.

For nine years the number one priority was hanging on to my home. The first place we lived in Orange County was sold. We were on month to month. He raised the rent in all four tenants 10% every three months to force us to move. We stayed in the neighborhood. On the same street. Three blocks up. the ocean side of the street. Bigger. An extra bathroom. A pool. Also 30% more in rent. After two years the rent was raised 10%. We got a dog. At this point I will be making less money than I did when we moved to California. My rent is $1000 more. Per month. I haven’t made the kind of money I need to cover the rent payment for almost four years. Am I stubborn? Optimistic? Stupid? I have trapped myself in a situation and a mindset with the house. My way of thinking is not healthy. I am letting go of that energy frees me to realign.

I need to be strong and focused. When I try to “solve” things I get desperate. I can’t make everything perfect. I am a good father. I am a good son. The path is different than I anticipated. I still have goodness in my heart.

If I was making conscious choices I would not be broke and moving away from my daughter.

If I am powerless I am weak and doomed

My life is a mess. Am I responsible? Or ami doing the best I can and failing?

I spoke with my daughter on video this evening. It was good to see her. I worry I am just the dad moving away. How did I get here? Why can’t I stay at a job? Be a good employee? A good father? A good husband?

I don’t have a girlfriend. I am practicing abstinence. Yet I feel like a selfish prick. Only worried about my needs.

I valued stable employment. I worked hard. But I am unemployed.

Staying in my home was priority number one. now I am moving. Out of my home. Out of my city. Out of my state.

Fuck.

“Where are the bootstraps to lift myself up? Where is the well where I once filled my cup? Where does my sorrow all turn into joy? Where oh where is my sleepy eyed boy?” John Prine

Just for the record…

I never want or need another woman besides the WIL. No matter what I have said or ever will say. She is my dream come true. I know she has moved on. She doesn’t want me talking to her. But any talk of another woman is just accepting compromise. Accepting defeat. Sadness

I want to strive to be great again. For all my life I wanted to achieve as much as I could. I lost my focus. I became a liar. A shitty salesperson. A shitty husband. A guy just faking it for a paycheck. Marking time. Just barely meeting obligation. My wife has moved on. The WIL has moved on. I am in a new city. A new job. The slate is clean. I want to kick ass. Be great

Hook up sites. In a hotel. Feeling alone. I deleted my accounts. I have one left. Doesn’t really matter. I don’t have any sildenifil. A hook up site is like anything else. You have to put effort into it to get anything out. I haven’t put any effort into it for a while. I am out of the game. Wondering if I should look at a dating site…

Arrived in Phoenix about 1:30 mountain standard. Went to office. Saw outside. Didn’t go in. Found hotel in possible area to live. Looking for something no closer than 10 minutes/ no farther than 30. Found a couple neighborhoods in chandler/Tempe area. Will look more tomorrow.

Lots of thoughts. Weird to be posting actual physical activity. So used to just being in my head.

Main consideration is finding something my daughter will like. Close second is finding something my mom can come stay. First time in over 20 years not considering what my wife wants. Wasn’t sure I would ever feel that way. Seemed we were going to go separate ways for some time. Now that it is happening to feels strange. We really are separate now.

The same feeling with getting a house. Finding a neighborhood. Schools. I thought I did all that for the last time nine years ago.

Excited but dismayed. Look forward to a fresh start. Crestfallen at loss of previous life.

I am lonely. Our marriage wasn’t great but it was something. A relationship. I realize my wife has found emotional support with her friend. She is going to lean on her friendship to stay strong for our daughter. The WIL is gone. My wife is gone. Perhaps I will be a better friend, nephew, son now.

I want to date. Not for sex or love. Just to get to know someone. I am still doing the abstinence for a year.

Background check came in all clear at work. Recruiter confirmed start date in two weeks. No one is particularly good at emailing back with this company. I will fit right in.

Staying at a hotel brand the WIL and I used to meet in. Cleaving the past is front and center in my mind. Traded palm trees for saguaros.

Made it to palm desert. Left at 5:30am this morning. Eager to get to Phoenix. See the office, figure out a good neighborhood. find a place to live.

So many emotions. The energy is good. Excited to experience something new

These posts have to be depressions as a whole. I imagine a lot of despair with occasional reprieve.

I want to report some big glorious fun fucking wins!