7:42am Pacific time, Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, February 12, 2022. Almost to Orange County, stopped to rest and get something to eat. Left Arizona at 5am mountain time and drove straight through. I made one quick stop outside Blythe but I will take more time in Palm Desert. My daughter had a friend stay over last night. They are usually pretty messy and loud in the morning so I am not in a particular hurry.
Turning in
7:18pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, February 11, 2022. I made tentative plans to go out tonight but cancelled to stay home instead. The amount of energy required to stay up and socialize was too great to exert. In the morning I leave for California so it is best to get to bed early.
Sometimes life blows
6:35pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, February 10, 2022. Two senior leaders from Southern California called this afternoon. They wanted to discuss a position similar to what I am doing now. That annoyed me. The recruiter I had been talking with said the call was for a regional role. I can’t tell if she lied or was misled herself. Either way, I felt a little deceived and a lot let down. But the call wasn’t all bad, the job has some strong selling points: the pay is pretty high for the position, there is more responsibility and most importantly, I can move back to Orange County. That gives me mixed emotions: as a father I am filled with joy. I can go home and be close to my daughter. However, career wise, taking the job would be suicide. Companies like this churn middle management every day, especially in Orange County. I keep asking myself what should I do? Go back for a job destined to fail or stay in Phoenix and miss my daughters teen years? Either decision leaves something to be desired. It’s as if no matter what I choose a great big sucking heartbreaking hole opens in the middle of my chest, leaving me with no possibility of happiness. Sometimes life blows.
Crush my own soul
5:52pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 9, 2022. The meeting with senior leadership was this afternoon. Nothing too groundbreaking got discussed beyond typical corporate talking points: 1. How can we help you? 2. You know we are here to support you, right? 3. Why aren’t you making more money?” Toward the end I said something about marketing strategy. The senior VP replied with a different take. Afterwards she moved on and likely forgot the whole exchange. I on the other hand have heaped torrents of abusive self-talk all over my psyche for three straight hours, chastising myself over and over for being stupid, for not thinking before I speak and for making myself look ignorant. It really is over the top and way too much for something so minor. Yet I can’t stop. Sometimes I swear I deliberately try to crush my own soul, just to see how sick I can get.
Not with this outfit
6:20pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, February 8, 2022. Had a call set up with the COO a Southern California company at four today but it was rescheduled at the last minute. We both were too busy. The recruiter thought it might cause problems but I don’t want to work for someone thats not flexible. Besides, he already rescheduled twice. The possibility of relocating back to Orange County is still available, but optimism is not high at the moment. At least not with this outfit.
Few people enjoy work right now
6:09pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 7, 2022. The girls in the office were happy this see me this morning. I was happy too. Not from being at the office so much as just being appreciated. We are busy, there is a lot that needs to get done; procedures to implement and problems to address. For the most part nothing catastrophic has occurred but time will tell if that holds true. Pressure to grow the census in the midst of integration has overwhelmed us. Few people enjoy work right now, myself included.
Sunday afternoon
4:29pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, February 6, 2022. The walk this morning was cold but invigorating, followed by a decent workout session at the apartment complex gym. Later this afternoon a short drive cleared my mind before I took another walk. There is a new movie on one of the streaming services and pasta cooking inthe microwave. Bed time will be early tonight.
Saturday updates
4:25pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, February 5, 2022. Updates from earlier in this week: The second covid test was negative, which was a relief. After the urgent care visit and trip to the pharmacy I have some prescriptions. Steroids and cough suppressant have helped, but haven’t conquered the feeling of being run down. Travel to Orange County did not happen this weekend. Work was frustrating and the recruitment call resulted in a phone interview this coming Tuesday for a regional job in Southern California.
The energy of my youth
2:29pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday afternoon, February 4, 2022. The energy of my youth was passive, quiet and indulgent; Vast swaths of solitude peppered with sporadic adventure in a safe, familiar home. Happiness was being surrounded by family, thinking comforting thoughts and indulging familiar accoutrements. Now the world demands a different version of me. I am a father, a boss, an authority figure. I give direction, dictate adventure and provide safety. The child within no longer exists, I can not return to the energy of my youth.
New marketer
5:30pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, February 3, 2022. A new marketer starts with us next week. Even though she technically isn’t my employee, she has called multiple times for matters important and trivial. The constant phone calls can be a little much, but I find in her traits I wish I had; outgoing, tenacious and caring. Her energy is infectious and what has been missing from our office.
