8:46am Monday. I saw a recent picture of the WIL last night. I haven’t seen her in person in almost two years. At first I was worried I would feel sad. But that wasn’t the case at all. Seeing her smile filled me with peace. I like to think she is happy. Even though we can no longer see each other all I want in the world is to know she is alright.
Sunday evening, Arizona
5:27pm Sunday evening, back in Arizona. No matter how long I have been alive or how many times I have dealt with Sunday afternoon I eternally dream of a better place. I have always hoped for a better next week, a more fulfilling next year, or even that my next lifetime I will be happier.
Saturday evening, Dana Point
7pm Saturday, Dana Point. I felt annoyed and didn’t want to talk with anyone. The girls we’re in the next room so I stayed in the front of the house, away from all the noise. I needed quiet. I also needed something to eat but didn’t want to go to the store.
Saturday, Palm Desert
7:40am Saturday morning, palm desert. Everyday I learn more what it means to sacrifice. To give up child like security for the sake of achieving a goal. So often I ventured out only to retreat to safety. The moments I spend in fear haunt me but they must be endured. I can never go back to innocence, there is no place for me there.
Friday night
7:33pm Friday night sept 17, 21. Immediately the events transpired. I finished a phone call then left for a meeting across town. When I arrived no one seemed particularly concerned with the growing mob outside. To them the novel display was intriguing, not annoying. But I was sick with worry. What if my wife found out, what then? A million scenarios raced through my mind. None of them involved a simple resolution.
Purpose
6:01am Friday morning. The thought entered my mind and found purchase; If in the course of my life I changed one small circumstance would everything be different? Perhaps if I got a job that didn’t suck, or if I changed my living arrangement, would emptiness stop growing inside me? Would I cease feeling alone, could I release negative feelings and ultimately reside in peace? The questions swirled around me like detritus and the answers I found were terrible. I couldn’t change the circumstances of my life, I was killing myself for nothing and when my time came I would disappear without acknowledgement from an unforgiving world.
Conquest
8:09pm Thursday night. Seldom does peace provide lasting comfort. The moment I feel content I bear down and find more worlds to conquer. Conquest is my default setting. How can I lament anxiety when I embrace it everyday?
Writing
6:11am Thursday morning. I dig slowly to find the gems that get missed. Writing is many things; fun, creative, frustrating. It can be an escape or it can be work. In the end I just make sure it isn’t boring.
Wednesday morning
5:45am Wednesday morning. And if I were to let go, reclaim my identity from the past, what then? I would still be a collection of thoughts, inside a certain body, living in a certain time, bound to die a yet unforeseen death then wiped from the earth like leftover crumbs from last nights dinner. I will always be who I always am until I exist no more.
Office
9:32am Tuesday, at the office. Perhaps that is the point, to challenge myself everyday where I can barely tolerate it. Just like pleasure is fleeting so too is the struggle. To face adversity every day is just as valuable as finding joy. If i were not challenged I would be useless and dead. If I did not have joy I would have no reward. Everything flows in endless loop and must be experienced over and over. There is no perpetual, just moments.
