Last week

6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.

Surreal

3:32pm the family being gone and back in Orange County makes today feel surreal. Like time opened up and offered a different reality. I had been here alone for months.When they were here it was a new experience. The apartment felt more comfortable, work felt less consuming. Now they have left. I washed the sheets and cleaned the counters. everything is back to how it was before they came.

Low key and a glimpse

10:28am I drove to the office this morning to work on a presentation for tomorrow. As I drove I thought about chaplaincy, sales and operations. The three jobs I have had in my twenty two plus year career. Being the hospice chaplain was far and away the best. Sales were far and away the worst. I miss being the chaplain. I am relieved I don’t do sales. Operations aren’t bad. But not my passion. I am not a hard charger. A visitor who interviewed me for this job described me as “low key.” I get that a lot. “Quiet” “low key” “calm presence” those are good traits for a Chaplain, not as much for a leader. Definitely not good traits for sales. As I pulled into the office I had a glimpse of remembering what it felt like to be the chaplain. To not worry about job security. To not be constantly scared of reprimand or dismissal.

Family left

6:29am my family has packed up and left. Now the apartment is quiet. Uncluttered. The quiet isn’t better. But it isn’t worse. It is just a different way to live. What is the best way to live? The easy answer is surrounded by people. Engaged in relationships. Part of a group. But that isn’t always the case. There is value in being alone. Taking time to explore the inner world. Personally, solitude restores my spirit. When I am with my wife and daughter I feel swirling chaos. Particularly with my wife. Her parenting style is frenetic. Being with her makes me feel overwhelmed. Helpless. Frustrated. That is who she is, how she parents. I accept it but I look forward to a time when my daughter is older. When we can spend more time together. She will reach a point where she wants to explore the world. I want to give her the opportunity to do that. I think my wife has more interest in keeping her vulnerable.

Path to greatness

6:09am I see a path to greatness every day. A thousand possibilities laid before me. Most mornings I am eager to get started. To see what I can accomplish. I dream about success, love, happiness and contentment. I start many adventures, but seldom see them to completion. I get distracted by other commitments. I become overwhelmed by the complexity of the mission. I encounter obstacles. I doubt my abilities. I become dejected and give up. On the path to greatness I take the first exit afforded me. I stand on the side of the road and feel sorry for myself. I pout. I grieve. I become despondent. Then i begin the process of healing. I swear I learned my lesson. I vow to do better. I pick up my countenance. Go back to the starting line and do it all over again.

Keeping a journal

6:03am this morning on the walk I was trying to remember what I did on certain weekends. I couldn’t recall my activity on certain days. I thought to myself “I need to start keeping a journal and writing things down.” I got twenty feet further when I realized how funny that is. I have been writing everything down for six months.

After dinner

8:12pm dinner was good. We went to the mall afterwards and walked around. The girls bought some crystals from a new age shop. Now they are discussing how to properly use them. Nice to have a weekend that doesn’t feel like it is choking the life out of me. I forgot what it was like to be active. What it was like to have fun