1:16pm family is here. They arrived a quarter before 10am. We went and got drive thru breakfast then went to the grocery store. The heat was already well over 100 degrees by the time we got back home. Now my wife is taking a nap in the back bedroom. The girls are watching a movie. Life feels good. Yet I have anxiety. Nothing is causing it. It is just a constant feeling. If I meditate and focus I can imagine I am in a time share or hotel room. We are on vacation. When I think about that I can remember what it felt like to be alive. To feel highs and lows. These days my emotions are ground down. I sometimes feel frustrated but seldom feel contentment.
People pleaser
8:39am I am a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I will tell them what they want to hear. That tendency hurts me. I need to under promise, over deliver. Point out the problems we are having. Then when we succeed it is a pleasant surprise. Side note: at work I have been trying to gloss over problems, not bad mouth people, promise big results. I set myself up to look bad. I need “play the game” better.
In the moment
7:05am my family is on their way. They should be in Phoenix by 10am. They are staying for the week through July 4th. I am completely in the moment. Work is busy. There Is a lot going on. But I want to be here. I want to be with my daughter. I am right where I need to be at this time.
Should I stay or should I go?
“Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble. if I stay it will be double.” The Clash. In every job I ever worked there are forces compelling me to stay and forces urging me to go.
Audience of one
3:29pm I am putting together the book/compilation of the post from January until the start of work. The only audience is me. I will publish it electronically but don’t care who likes or reads it.
Disappointment
10:55am I went back and read old posts. One of them mentioned how I wanted to do good at this job. Help my boss be successful. I also said I was afraid I would fail and disappoint. Four months later I feel I have. Census is down. Revenue is down. Confidence is lost. There are factors beyond me but I still am responsible. I failed
results scorecard
6:19am Saturday. Achieving goals are difficult. Making money, hitting budget. Similar to baseball if i get a positive result 3 out of 10 times I consider that a success. I have looked back at my career since end of 2009/beginning of 2010. First job since being a chaplain sales. I was successful and got results. But it was more from the team around me than me. Second job, executive director. Did not get results. Third job director of sales. Got results. fourth job, vice president of sales. a wash. The census and revenue went down but I don’t own it. Fifth job, marketing director. Got results because had good team. sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth jobs didn’t get results but tough situations. 10 job. true start up. Got results I am proud of but did not achieve volume or consistency. 11 job, executive director. Got results. 12 job. not getting results. My own personal scorecard. 6 out of 12 situations I got positive results.
Justified
5:46am A lot of energy goes into lamenting who I am not. I mourn the person I failed to become. I wonder about the paths I did not travel. I feel I have to prove I made right choices. That arriving here and now was the best outcome. I spend a lot of time in these posts trying to improve. Change my attitude, my approach. I believe if I achieve quantifiable results in tenure, money, census I will justified
Nouwen quote on loneliness
5:39am “Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.” The Wounded Healer, Nouwen pg 84
Next week
4:10pm I don’t miss the past any more. It is too far removed. I just look forward. This week coming up is big. Survey readiness. Changing company. My daughter coming to stay for the week.
