4:35pm at the office. I realize I have an imaginary audience so I don’t feel isolated. I figured changing my mindset to a “real” audience would eliminate the need for imaginary friends. but I am not always around people. And they don’t always care what I think. With my audience I have a group of people I can share my thoughts with. That keep me company. Care about what I am doing.
Isolation quote
“Isolation is among the worst of human sufferings…” The Wounded Healer, Nouwen, pg 60
“Death may be hell, but life no less.” The Wounded Healer, Nouwen, pg 60
Positive news
8:27am I am energized by positive news. I am confident. Prepared. Uplifted. I can adapt and persevere
True voice
5:33am Thursday. The value of posting is finding my true voice. defeating negative self talk. My inner dialogue is limiting. Cruel. Frightened. Desperate. This outside voice defeats the monster. Pull me up
Crumbling
11:38pm Wednesday night in bed. The facade/image I crafted has crumbled. I am still the captain. But a large swath of self identity tastes sour. I envisioned myself a respected resource. I feel like a naive fool. I envisioned myself focused. I feels disjointed. I envisioned myself as trusted. I feel disrespected. Ironically it is complaints about other people’s behavior that destroyed me. That didn’t do their job well but I am taking it all on me. I am owning it. I am crumbling while they stupidly blindly fuck up and just float on. I am at the familiar crossroads. I want to give up. Admit defeat. It is easier than staying. Than trying to fix. I just flit. Run off to the next thing. Note: My energy is turning, getting on top of my feelings. Getting my strength back. I want to succeed. But the counter side of me wants to fail/run away. There is an emotional battle in my chest/heart/gut
Reason for overdrive lost
12:19pm doing ops call this week drained me. But the situation last week has just popped my balloon. I feel small. This is a good test. Focus. Grow. Lead.
Overdrive lost
9:17am Wednesday at work. For the last week i have lacked energy. I don’t feel sick. Just that extra gear is missing. I don’t have overdrive. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I miss the energy. On the other I am happy to quit obsessing. I need to do my job without burning out
nine year mess
6:01am the last nine years have been a mess. I don’t feel like trying to categorize them. They are lost years. I am not sure what I accomplished. I don’t know what I was trying to achieve. I assumed I would find success. whatever that vague term means. I picked a line to ski down the mountain. Maybe when i look back it will all make sense. i am still on a journey.
Tuesday Morning
5:37am I did not have a lot to say yesterday. I was still feeling run down. I sent an email to a wrong person causing embarrassment. I missed my exit coming home. I was not attentive. Today feels better. Operations review this afternoon. A couple of other meetings. I am not as confident. Friday drained me. Yesterday wasn’t better. I believe it is good. I need to find a pace I can sustain. Not be overly high or low.
Monday Morning
5:46am Sunday night from 2pm until going to work on Monday morning is the most desperate time of existence. This day needs to start so it can get over with.
